If you wish to marry your pet, you must read these rules and comply
with them at all times:
1. This is a contract between you, your pet, and MarryYourPet.
It is not recognised by a court of law.
2. This union is a marriage of minds and companionship.
You have no conjugal rights.
2.1 If you want to consummate the marriage, we suggest
you both share some cake. If your pet has a food allergy then a pat
on the head will suffice.
3. You are not allowed to mistreat your pet in any way.
3.1 You cannot make him pick up your pants, put up
with your nostril hair or use him as a general dogsbody - even if he
is indeed a dog.
3.2 Just because you have a friend for life doesn't
mean you can let yourself go. You may not go around in a dirty vest,
scratching your nether regions. You may not get excessively fat. Just
because you live with a dog doesn't mean you can behave like one. The
lid of the toilet must be kept down, always replace the top on the toothpaste.
If you must clip your toenails in the lounge, don't leave them in the
plant pots. You may not wear unfashionable clothes or tell bad jokes.
You may not embarrass your pet at any time.
4 Marriage is for life* or until your contract expires.
*You are not allowed to take the life of your pet.
4.1 If you're having a really rough patch then see
a Marriage Guidance Counsellor. If you still can't get it together then
may we suggest either a shrink or divorceyourpet.com*
*Please note that your pet may be entitled to half your assets and regular
5. You cannot marry your pet just to get at his money.
Your dog's money will remain his own even after marriage (unless of
course he wants to leave it to us - call for payment details). This
does not work in reverse however. With or without a marriage contract,
once you've been living together for 3 years or more, your pet is entitled
to half your house. (If he's peed in more than half the house then just
give it to him. You'll never get rid of the smell anyway.)
6. It is the norm for your pet to assume your surname
6.1 If you or your pet is not happy with this, that's
okay. You can call your pet whatever you like. If in doubt, we're bound
to have a few suggestions, but they probably won't be polite.
7. The decision of MarryYourPet is final. If we feel
that you are too boring, sad or perverted for your pet, we will not
give our consent to marriage.
8. Any infringement of the above will render your contract
null and void.
8.1 If you don't play with your pet regularly, tolerate
his nagging and allocate him equal TV time, you could be in infringement
of your contract.
8.2 MarryYourPet is not responsible for any deviations
from the contract.
9. MarryYourPet can change the rules at any time, especially
if this gets us out of tricky situations.